Funny Statements

REAL STATEMENTS FROM INSURANCE COMPANY RECORDS

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.
I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

RHETORICAL QUESTIONS

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two belly-buttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Why is the alphabet in order? Is it because of that song?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
Do fish get cramps after eating?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS FROM CHURCH BULLETINS

Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Allen Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north end of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk should please come early.
Wednesday the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the Pastor.
Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his study.
Thursday night - Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of a new carpet. All wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and do so.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.